It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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