my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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