Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
