I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
