I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
third nipple confirmed
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize