What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
