I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Who died my cat blue again?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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