i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
