i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
