the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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