also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
