the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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