I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Less talking, more tequila
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
