I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
