yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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