How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
