I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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