someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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