i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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