woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
not ubering you a puppy
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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