She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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