i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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