apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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