Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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