totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
