She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
