I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
