I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
