I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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