Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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