His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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