Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
