Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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