he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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