dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
What drink are we having for lunch?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
