Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
