It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
