i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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