I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
