I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
