you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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