Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
