Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
