just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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