Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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