we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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