i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
