i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
