VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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