Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
