My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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