6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
