I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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