Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
