roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
