thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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