When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
