I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
