its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Your cock deserves a montage
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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