It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
