I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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