Michael Bay diarrhea
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
